


Have We Come Too Far to go Back?

by Ohmyrenjun



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Drama, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-09-15 12:26:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16933233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ohmyrenjun/pseuds/Ohmyrenjun
Summary: Doyoung didn’t love Jaehyun anymore, not after three years and 6,000 miles seperating them. But then Doyoung saw how Jaehyun had grown taller than him now, how his shoulders were broader, and how he had a new confidence about him. And yet his ears still burned red and his hair fell into his eyes... so maybe Doyoung wasn’t totally over him yet.





	Have We Come Too Far to go Back?

**Author's Note:**

> Oof welcome to my first like Actual fic ever, as well as my first NCT fic ... I know she isn’t perfect but I worked really hard and spent a lot of time on it, so please be nice :) Title from Bol4’s We Loved.

“Ah shit,” Doyoung said to himself as he walked out of class, checking the time on his phone. His class had run over, which was going to cause him to be late to work. 

He began the short walk to the little Starbucks around the corner at a brisk pace, but he already knew it was pointless. He would be late and his manager would scold him. 

The Starbucks he worked at was a small one, not very popular as it was tucked into a little corner. Most people didn’t know the Starbucks was even there. The only regular customers were college students coming in between classes to get their caffeine fix, as the shop was just down the street from the campus.

Doyoung rounded the corner and headed down the street the shop was located on. ‘Maybe if Tiffany sees me hurrying she won’t be as harsh,’ Doung thought.

-

“Tiffany went pretty easy on you.”

“Are you kidding? She took me to the back and lectured me on the importance of being on time to work and how it is a serious commitment for 15 minutes.”

Johnny, Doyoung’s best friend and coworker just shrugged his shoulders and turned back to the register to take the next customers order. “Ass,” Doyoung whispered under his breath. 

“Johnny, since Doyoung just got here you can go on your break now. Let Doyoung take over register,” Tiffany said from the bar where she was making drinks. It was slow enough that they didn’t need two people on bar.

Doyoung turned to Johnny, speaking in a hushed voice, “She knows how much I hate being on register. She’s literally doing this on purpose.” He paused and grabbed onto Johnny’s shirt, leaning all his weight onto him. Then gave him the best puppy dog eyes he could muster, “Please save me.”

Johnny looked down at Doyoung, gave a shit eating grin, before taking his friends hands and removing them from his shirt. “You’re on your own this time Doie.”

“If looks could kill, Johnny you would be dead, like so dead.” This time it was Yeri who had spoken up, just coming into work. Doyoung liked Yeri, she was sweet and kind to Doyoung, but could be the literal devil incarnate. Doyoung liked to think they were similar in that way.

Johnny having escaped from Doyoungs grasp, heading to the back, “Have fun without me kids.”

Doyoung scoffed, before turning to Yeri.

“Yeri! Do you think you could take over bar while I do some stocking in the back?” Tiffany asked.

“She’s doing this on purpose. I know she is. Kim Doyoung, pls never be late to work again,” Doyoung whispered to himself.

“Stop muttering to yourself Doyoung. It’s creepy,” Yeri told him from a few steps over. She shivered to add emphasis.

Doyoung just rolled his eyes before resting his chin in his hand, waiting for customers to arrive. 

-

( 4 years ago )

“Doie hyung, do you think we’ll debut?” 

Doyoung looked over at his friend laying on the practice room floor next to him. 

The older himself had these worries, would they actually be able to debut? He wasn’t sure. But as he was looking at the younger boy, he didn’t want to push his stresses onto him. 

“Yah don’t think like that, of course we’ll debut.” As the words left Doyoung’s mouth even he had trouble believing them. It’s hard to believe you’ll actually debut, let alone be successful, when you feel like you’ve been stuck in place for the past 2 years.

“Jaehyunie you have nothing to worry about.” He looked back at the boy next to him with a small smile on his face. He felt he couldn’t look away from his bright eyes, they looked like they were sparkling, even in the dull fluorescent lighting. He reached out, tentatively with his long thin arms. 

Doyoung had been losing a lot of weight recently, from the stress of training and with his high school graduation getting nearer. Everything was beginning to feel too real to doyoung.

His spiney fingers reached over to move jaehyuns hair from his eyes, as well as wiping some of the sweat off his forehead. His gaze traveled from the boys eyes all over his face. Jaehyun was still breathing heavily from their practicing and would sniffle every once in awhile, scrunching his nose, because of the cold jaehyun swore he didn’t have. He moved to look at the youngers once full cheeks, that had now chiselled out after losing his baby fat. 

His hand followed his eyes down to jaehyun's cheeks and he grabbed at them cooing as he did so. Jaehyuns skin warmed and became a soft pink, while his ears burned red. 

Doyoung would regularly grab at jaehyun's cheeks, pulling on them to give him a cute pout, but jaehyun would also swat his hands off or turn away. But not now. Jaehyun wasn’t moving or turning or swatting, he lied there, next to Doyoung, watching him with crimson ears. 

Doyoung looked first at where his hands remained, and then at the slight pink on his cheeks, and then his eyes traveled back to jaehyun's. Their eyelines connected and the intensity in jaehyun's eyes startled the older. 

Doyoung became suddenly aware of their positions, facing each other, while lying on the cool practice room floor. They were closer than Doyoung had remembered them being just seconds ago, thighs brushing against each other slightly.

Maybe it was the fatigue they both felt, or the hunger, or maybe it was the fact that it was 2am. Doyoung wasn’t sure what to think, he shivered involuntarily. He removed his hands from the youngers cheeks, hands feeling empty, but before they could get too far, Jaehyun lifted his hands up and grabbed them, intertwining his fingers. 

“Hyung.” 

Again Doyoung’s eyes went up to meet Jaehyun's. Doyoung’s mouth was slightly parted and he let out a strangled breath. Doyoung felt a bead of sweat run down the side of his face, cool against his burning skin. He watched as Jaehyun moved impossibly closer to Doyoung, still keeping eye contact, still holding his hands. 

The room felt so quiet, so still as Doyoung watched Jaehyun. He stuck his tongue out subconsciously, setting his lips and he saw Jaehyuns eyes travel down, following the motion. The younger looked back up again. He had stopped moving at this point, he was already so close to Doyoung. So close. He was searching his eyes, looking for something. And Doyoung supposes he found it because then he slowly moved forward again, lifting himself from the ground slightly. Doyoung followed his actions turning his head and looking up at Jaehyun as he was now hovering over him. He was still holding one of Doyoung’s hands, his other hand supporting him. With one last glance up at Jaehyun, the older closed his eyes and waited.

He felt soft full lips flutter against his own for a second, barely there before they disappeared. Doyoung was about to protest, saying something dumb and obnoxious like if you’re gonna kiss me at least do it properly, but as he looked up the words fell away. Jaehyun was looking at him so tenderly, so lovingly, that doyoung felt overwhelmed. Jaehyun realized Doyoung was looking at him again, and his ears turned a bright red before covering his face with both hands, falling back onto the floor next to Doyoung. He heard fits of soft giggles and turned his head to see the younger rolling around and spying at Doyoung through his fingers, before realizing he was caught staring and then returned to his laughter and rolling.

Before he could stop himself Doyoung felt himself laughing along with Jaehyun, feeling the warmth on his cheeks, as well as his lips still tingling from their kiss.

“C'mon Jaehyunie, let's get out of here ok? You spend too much time in here anyways,” Doyoung said as he felt his fit of giggles begin to end. It was too late, Jaehyun should’ve been home an hour ago, and they had school tomorrow.

“Ok hyung,” Jaehyun answered as he stood, grabbing his water bottle and taking his bag, as well as grabbing doyoungs bag and throwing them over his shoulder. They walked towards the door and as Doyoung was about to turn out the lights, he felt a soft hand reach for his own, fingers intertwining with the older. And then with a flick, the room was dark and they left for home.

-

 

So, Doyoung knows he said he would never be late to work again. It shouldn’t be that hard when your job is a block away from campus, he had thought. But there was a series of reasons why Doyoung was late, and reason number 1, was purely because the world hated him. His class had run late again, and then he needed to talk to his professor because she had put the wrong grade online and it had seriously lowered his grade and he could not stand having a C. 

So that had caused him to be even later. And then as he was furiously walking to work he ran into a classmate who he had a group project with that they needed to work on, but now was not the time and this classmate seemed to be oblivious of Doyoung’s hurrying.

So that’s why, once again, he had been scolded by Tiffany and been punished by going on register, the bane of his existence. 

He heard snickering from behind him and turned to see Johnny and Yeri whispering back and forth and pointing at Doyoung.

“Yah! Don’t you guys have anything better to do,” Doyoung said turning away from the front and crossing his arms over his chest. 

“It’s pretty slow today, so no, not really,” Yeri said before fist bumping Johnny.

“You really are the worst people ever. Friendship ended, I am now accepting applications for new friends,” Doyoung said turning back to the counter, this time ignoring their snickering and choosing to focus his attention to the little tv in the corner playing who knows what hgtv show.

-

He’d been like that now for what felt like hours, wasting his time behind the counter with nothing else to do.

“Excuse me.”

“Oh! Sorry!! What can I get for you,” Doyoung was mentally yelling at himself for not hearing the bells above the door ring, telling him a customer had walked in. He could feel Tiffany staring him down from behind because he didn’t see the customer. He already knew he was gonna get lectured for the second time that day. He winced at the thought.

“Uhm can I get a-“

Doyoung froze. He knew he should be putting the customers order into the register, or that he should be listening to the customer at all. But his brain stopped working. He recognized that voice, he would recognize it anywhere. It didn’t matter that he was speaking in a different language, or that it had deepened in pitch, or that he hadn’t heard it in 3 years. He knew that voice. 

He felt his hands begin to shake in front of him, could feel if he were to say anything his voice would break. 

How could he be here?

He began to thaw, his brain began to run again. He was hearing his voice, listening to his order. He spoke smoothly, evenly, no quiver or shake. There was nothing to indicate he had recognized him. Doyoung knew he would recognize him from 50 feet away, just the slightest sound from him and he would recognize it. So why did Jaehyun seem so unaffected to see him?

He felt dread for in his stomach, an empty feeling that made Doyoung feel so uneasy. He took a deep breath, steadying himself, and then he looked up. The man in front of him was standing a little ways back, looking up at the menu as he was still talking to the other men standing behind him. Doyoung looked at him, really looked at him in person for the first time in three years. His first love. He was taller now, probably taller than Doyoung even, and he looked older, with his broad shoulders and deep voice. His hair was a soft purple color that was styled down over his eyes. Doyoung wanted to push the hair away like all the times he used to. But that was 3 years ago and so much has changed since then. 

-

“Hyung! Can you come over here for a second?”

The older looked up, away from the others he’d been sitting and talking with. They were taking a break from learning a new dance, all the boys tired and sweat-covered.

Doyoung got up and walked over to Jaehyun. They usually didn’t interact much around the other trainees, mostly out of habit because they were in different friend groups, so it was surprising for Jaehyun to call the older over. 

“Hey what is it?” Doyoung had walked over next to the younger who was standing next to the water fountain alone. His sweat covered hair was in front of his again, as per usual, so Doyoung reached his hand up and brushed it away. They had to hide whatever it was they had, but small things like this weren’t too intimate. Right?

“Hyung follow me!” Jaehyun grabbed Doyoung’s hand and they ran out of the practice room together. Jaehyun was laughing giddily as Doyoung followed behind him, confused.

“Yah, Jung Jaehyun, where are you taking me! We’re going to start practicing again soon!” It wasn’t like Doyoung to leave practice randomly, or show up late, or complain about what was given to them. He was seen as the most anal trainee, causing a lot of the other trainees to not like him.?But Doyoung didn’t mind, because, in his eyes, he could practice more and get even that much closer to debuting. But Jung Jaehyun was the one person who could make him leave his comfort zone and do random, spontaneous things. 

But not too spontaneous.

Doyoung halts to a stop, pulling Jaehyun to a stop with him. Jaehyun kept pulling on Doyoung’s arm and let out loud whines because Doyoung wouldn’t just follow the younger.

“We need to go back to the practice room Jaehyunie. They’re gonna start soon. So what you need me for better be importa-“

Doyoung’s sentence was cut off by a pair of lips against his. He pushed Jaehyun off of him with a loud gasp and looked around, making sure no one had seen them.

Doyoung looked at the younger with a warning glare, “You can’t just do that here!! There’s always people watching, let alone cameras everywhere!” 

The older felt like he should be so mad at Jaehyun, doing things like that in plain sight could ruin their possible future careers if anyone saw. But, then another part of him felt so happy. Happy that Jaehyun wanted so badly to kiss Doyoung even when they were tired and sweaty and gross. Happy that Jaehyun loved Doyoung enough to risk everything for him. Love. Was this that feeling? 

‘Does Jaehyun love me?’ Doyoung felt himself thinking. 

He looked back at Jaehyun, who seemed to be curling in on himself, sad that Doyoung didn’t like his surprise kiss.

“You big dummy. Let’s go.” Doyoung looked at Jaehyun and reached out his hand asking for Jaehyun to grab it. He did and Doyoung silently led Jaehyun to one of the empty offices at the end of the floor. He opened the door and let Jaehyun in before him, then stood in front of him. The older heard the door close softly behind him before he placed his hands around the youngers jaw, cupping his face in his hands.

“Baby you can’t just do things like that ok?” Doyoung started in a soft voice. He wasn’t mad anymore, he didn’t feel like he was scolding Jaehyun now. He placed a soft kiss on his nose. 

“Next time, just tell me if you want to make out,” Doyoung snickered at Jaehyun’s shy expression. He tried to hide his face in Doyoung’s neck, but the older kept him in place, just looking at him. 

He smiled softly before leaning in closer. There noses were bumping before Jaehyun looked up at him again. This time the shyness had left his stare and now a darkness had replaced it. Doyoung was waiting for Jaehyun to initiate the kiss and when he finally did it was a clash of teeth. The kiss was too hard at first, too overwhelming. Doyoung gasped, opening his mouth slightly and giving Jaehyun the opportunity to slide in his tongue. 

Doyoung moved his hands from cupping Jaehyun’s face to at the nape of his neck, tugging on the hair there every once in awhile. This made Jaehyun let out soft grunts of approval and Doyoung felt a sense of satisfaction. Ya, he could turn on his boyfriend. 

Jaehyun had placed his hands around Doyoung’s hips, moving up and down occasionally. And as the kiss continued Doyoung could feel his hand slowly migrating to lower regions. Before Doyoung could tell Jaehyun off, make him wait for later because they were still supposed to be practicing, his hands had reached down and cupped Doyoung’s butt. 

Doyoung let out a low rumble from his throat, enjoying everything happening far too much. The feeling of Jaehyun kissing him, Jaehyun’s wandering hands, and even the fact that they were still in the company building added a level of excitement to it all. He could hear the sounds of their heavy breaths and the sounds of their lips. It really sounded like they were doing a lot more than they were. And then Doyoung began to realize that he was not getting enough oxygen, and then that they were still supposed to be at practice, and then that they were still in the company building. Which seemed thrilling a few minutes ago, but now felt entirely too real, too suffocating. 

Doyoung pulled away from Jaehyun, placing his head on the younger’s shoulder and taking deep breaths. The room felt cold, hollow, empty now. Doyoung’s arms now rested at his sides and Jaehyun, sensing the same things as his hyung, began to rub his hands up and down the others to warm him. 

“It’s really not fair,” Doyoung said finally. He was surprised no one had gone looking for them yet, he was sure they were expected to be back at practice by now. 

“Hmm?” He heard Jaehyun say, just above his ear, the sound tickling him. 

“It’s not fair that I have to sneak around with my boyfriend because of my career while other people our age get to walk around in public holding hands, kissing, having couples items,” Doyoung paused. “If we did anything like that we’d be kicked out of the company.”

Doyoung felt Jaehyun sigh underneath him, like his whole body was deflating. 

“You know, I really try hard not to think about that.”

“Sorry,” Doyoung said, lifting his head off Jaehyun’s shoulder to look at him. He reached down and grabbed both of his hands in his.

“I always bring down the mood like this, I’m sorry.”

“Babe, there’s no reason to be sorry. It’s the reality of our situation whether we like it or not, but, I want you to know, that doesn’t affect how I feel about you. I still want to be with you just the same.”

A pause.

“I still love you just the same.” 

Jaehyun had said it so softly, so quietly. Not like he was unsure of it, no, he was very very sure of the fact that he loved Doyoung. But he was worried Doyoung didn’t feel the same. His gaze flicked up towards Doyoung before looking away again, his ears turning a bright pink.

Doyoung could feel his racing heart beat against his chest, was worried that Jaehyun could hear its erratic pace, that it was echoing through the quietness of the room and bearing his feelings for all to see. But as he looked at Jaehyun, could feel his nervousness, he realized his emotions weren’t quite as obvious as he had thought. He almost forgot he even needed to respond because, wasn’t it obvious? I love you too.

“Jung Jaehyun,” Doyoung began. Jaehyun snapped his head back up, looking at the older, searching his eyes.

“The fact that I even need to say this is absurd. Of course I love you too.”

The two broke out in gigantic smiles before Jaehyun lunged forward and enveloped Doyoung in an enormous hug. 

He pulled away just enough to kiss the older quickly on the lips, and then again, and again. They let out loud, cheerful laughs, both completely full of bliss. They loved and were loved back just the same.

“Hey Jaehyun? Doyoung? Are you guys in there? The choreographer wants you guys to come back now.”

Doyoung slapped a hand over Jaehyun’s mouth attempting to silence him from being the big dork that he is, because Doyoung knew he was about to shout ‘Doyoung loves me’ at any moment. 

Seriously this boy needs help Doyoung thought to himself. He’s too naive for his own good

“Ahh!! Sorry hyung! We’ll be right there!”

-

“Excuse me.”

Doyoung was taken back to reality and looked up at the person speaking in front of him. He met eyes with the only person he’s wanted to see for the past 3 years. Doyoung felt ecstatic, so happy to be able to see Jaehyun standing in front of him. But Jaehyun didn’t even seem to recognize him. 

How can he not recognize me? Doyoung thought. We were each other’s first loves.. we spent so much time together for years.. how can he not remember me?

Doyoung plastered on his best customer service smile onto his face, despite the fact that he could feel his heart breaking inside his chest. 

“Hi! What can I get for you today?” 

Doyoung wanted to yell and scream and throw a tantrum, knocking over tables and chairs and breaking everything in sight. Jaehyun was his first love, someone he was still in love with who he thought of every day and couldn’t wait until they were reunited. And Jaehyun obviously hadn’t thought of Doyoung in years.

But then again, why would he? Doyoung knew that Jaehyun had stayed at SM after he had left. He knew that 2 years back Jaehyun debuted in the group NCT as the leader. He was busy being an idol, living the life he’d always wanted to, the life they always thought they’d be able to have together. But things don’t always turn out the way you plan them to. 

Life happens and people grow apart and are forgotten, I guess Doyoung thought.

He listened to Jaehyun tell him their order, obviously ordering all the drinks for his other band members and staff since he was able to speak English. If Jaehyun had remembered Doyoung, he would’ve known that he didn’t need to speak English. Even as it seemed to flow comfortably from his tongue, Doyoung knows he prefers speaking Korean. Or at least he did. Three years ago. 

Doyoung finished putting the order in the system, told Jaehyun the total, and finished up the transaction all without looking at him. Doyoung doesn’t think he could handle looking into those eyes again and not be remembered. 

He debated for a long time, whether Doyoung should ask Jaehyun how he’s been, whats it been like without him the past three years, whether he misses him. Doyoung thinks of all the dozens and dozens of questions he had thought he’d ask when they would reconnect. But now, everything felt wrong. What would Doyoung even ask him?

Jaehyun left then, walking back over to his band members as they waited for their drinks. Doyoung turned away from the register, facing his coworkers making the drinks. It was still slow in the shop so there were no more orders to take. Doyoung placed his hands on the counter behind him, fearful he would fall if he wasn’t holding onto anything. Everything in his being wanted him to turn around, to come out from behind the counter and jump into Jaehyun’s arms and tell him how much he missed him. But he knew better. Jaehyun had moved on. He has moved onto better, more important things. 

Doyoung’s eyes remained on the floor, he could feel the hot tears forming in his eyes. He was angry but he was embarrassed more than anything. He had foolishly been the only one who hoped they’d see each other again, be able to fall in love again. 

Doyoung held back the tears, tried to act as normal as possible. If there was the slight chance that Jaehyun remembered him and was just pretending he didn’t, Doyoung didn’t want to give the satisfaction of knowing how much he still affects the older. If Jaehyun had forgotten about Doyoung, then Doyoung would have forgotten about Jaehyun too.

The older straightened himself up, smoothed out his shirt and apron and turned back towards the sitting area of the shop.

In his peripheral he could see his coworkers had finished making all the drinks and called out the order. Doyoung refused to look over at Jaehyun again, his pride winning over all his other emotions. 

They began to make their way out, and to Doyoung, they could not have made it out faster. He was only able to keep up his facade for so long, before he would completely fall away. The door was opened and at the last second Doyoung’s resolve fell. He looked over and saw Jaehyun looking back at him. Doyoung knew then. 

The jaehyun who he had seen today was no different than the Jaehyun three years ago. The same expression was on his face as three years ago, the day Doyoung left. A sadness so pure so completely uninhibited that one simply had to feel it in it’s full. And Doyoung understood.

It was the face of someone who was so in love, so terribly in love with someone they could never have.  
Jaehyun still loved Doyoung, just as much as Doyoung still loved Jaehyun. But they would never be able to be together in this lifetime. Maybe in their past lives they were able to live happily together. And maybe in their future lives they’ll be able to live the life they had hoped for in this one. 

With one final glance Jaehyun walked out of the little Starbucks, and both knew that they would probably never see each other again. 

As the door came to a close, Doyoung collapsed to the ground. He couldn’t hold himself up anymore. He felt broken, like he had back three years ago when he left Jaehyun in Korea.

-

Jaehyun heard his phone ringing from the counter in the kitchen. He stood from the couch he’d been laying on and walked over, checking the caller ID. “Doyoung,” it read. 

“Hey what’s up?” Jaehyun said into the phone once he’d picked up. “I was just gonna text yo-“

“Jaehyunie.” Jaehyun paused. He heard soft sniffles from the other side of the phone, as well as shuffling around, Doyoung had probably wiped at his nose.

“Doyoung hyung? What’s wrong?” Jaehyun could feel his heart rate pick up. Doyoung had sounded so pathetic when he said his name. Scared. Lost. This wasn’t like him at all.

He heard more sniffles over the line.

“Doyoung? Please talk to me.”

Doyoung let out a labored breath. Jaehyun sat down on the floor of his kitchen, back against the wall opposite the fridge.

“Please.”

“I-it’s my parents,” Doyoung let out finally. Jaehyun heard the sound of crying again, harder this time over the line. He continued, “They found out somehow. I don’t know how but they did. A-and now-“ Doyoungs words were cut short by a loud sob. He seemed to be crying uncontrollably now. 

“Doyoung hyung, I don’t understand. Want me to come by? Where are you? We can talk about this in person,” Jaehyun tried. However he did know what Doyoung was talking about, or at least he thought he did. 

Doyoung parents had always been a touchy subject. Doyoung had made it clear they wouldn’t be understanding of their relationship, one of the many reasons why they had to keep it a secret. Doyoung seemed to be paranoid about his parents knowing though. Jaehyun would bring Doyoung over often, and they would go into his room and cuddle or kiss, and both felt comfortable and relaxed. Doyoung had never brought Jaehyun over to his house.

Jaehyun heard more sniffles and quiet sobs over the line before, “No. No don’t come over, it’ll only make it worse. And- and my parents found out about us,” Doyoung stammered out. “They know we’re dating, that we have been for months now. Jaehyun, they were so mad- madder than I’d ever seen them. Especially my dad.”

He paused again, Jaehyun heard another shuffling sound through the phone.

“I really thought he was going to kick me out of the house. Or maybe even hit me. But he didn’t do either.”

“Doyoung im so sorry. Please let me come over? Or you can come out to see me? I need to know you’re okay.” 

The older continued, “Just let me say what I have to say. I don’t think I’d be able to get through it if i could see your face.” Doyoung seemed to have stopped crying as hard now.

“Okay.”

“My parents, they told me I have a choice to make. Either they won’t tell the company, so I can stay and continue on this path where I get to live my dream,” He paused for a long time, “but I have to cut off all outside contact with you. I can only talk to you if it has to do with our training or company matters.”

Jaehyun could feel the tears slowly trickling down his face. He was biting on the knuckles of his right hand, trying to stay quiet over the line. While Doyoung was telling him this he had an empty voice, like he felt nothing from this anymore. Completely void of emotion.

“Or I’ll leave the company, quit my dream, and once I graduate from high school, I’ll live with my aunt and uncle in America. I can go to college and get a good education, and I’ll improve so much in English,” Doyoung chuckled.

A sob escaped Jaehyun's lips over the phone. He couldn’t stand Doyoung’s indifference. Why didn’t he sound heartbroken or defeated? Jaehyun felt his heart being ripped in two, but did Doyoung not feel that way? 

But he knew Doyoung too well to linger on these thoughts. He knew the older was twice as hurt by everything happening. He knew that the first wasn’t an option for them, if all the rules they had to break to be together didn’t stop them from falling in love, then he knew that Doyoung’s parents wouldn’t be able to either.

Doyoung moving to America would happen eventually, whether it was now or in a few months from now when they eventually would get back together. 

“You’ve made up your mind already haven’t you?” Jaehyun’s voice was scratchy and hoarse, saliva thick in his mouth.

“I have.”

Jaehyun stood up, phone still pressed to his ear. He walked over to the bathroom and turned on the light. He looked into the mirror, first into his eyes, red and bloodshot, still glossy from tears. Then down to his tear stained cheeks, still slowly dripping with tears. He pinched the phone between his ear and shoulder, then reached up with both hands, resting his face in his hands. The younger closed his eyes and took in a few deep breaths, before looking back into the mirror. He wiped the tear stains from his cheeks. Then turned off the light in the bathroom and walked out.

“I’m gonna go to America,” doyoung said. There was no quiver to his voice, no hesitance, or any real emotion in it. Doyoung had made up his mind already, Jaehyun knew there was nothing he could do now. 

He reached his room and closed the door behind him. Jaehyun didn’t turn on the light but there was still enough light where he could faintly see the floor and wouldn’t trip. Jaehyun laid flat on his bed, staring vacantly up at the ceiling. He knew the sun would fully set soon and he would be left in darkness, but Jaehyun really just wanted to sit in the dark for awhile.

Jaehyun had questions and thoughts that he wanted to tell Doyoung. He didn’t understand why his parents were sending him to the US, what good would that do? And he couldn’t understand why his parents wouldn’t just love Doyoung for who he was and for who he loved. 

He wanted to tell Doyoung how much he loved him, how he would always love him. 

But neither said a word over the line. 

They remained like that, breathing softly over the line until the sun had long set and the moon was high in the sky. Jaehyun could feel sleep reaching out to him and he knew it wasn’t long until he would fall asleep. 

Then right as he was slipping into unconsciousness he heard a soft whisper, “I’ll always love you,” before the phone cut out and the world went to black.

-

(Present)

It’d been a month since he’d seen Jaehyun. A month since all those emotions he thought he’d buried away came back to him. 

It had been hard at first, really hard. He had thought that maybe, just maybe, Jaehyun and him might have been able to get back together. Years in the future maybe, when Doyoung goes back to Korea, but he was just kidding himself. Just wishful thinking. 

Doyoung had known Jaehyun had debuted and was a pretty successful idol now, but he had tried not to think about that. Partly because he felt so much regret about how his life turned out. He could’ve been standing on stage with Jaehyun, singing and dancing like he’d dreamed about just a few years ago.

And partly because he knew that as long as Jaehyun was an idol, they would never be able to get back together. And he knew Jaehyun was happy, living his dream for the both of them.

But seeing Jaehyun and being ignored by him, someone he used to love with his whole being, the person he was closest to in the world, was painful. It opened wounds that Doyoung hoped would never be opened. But, part of Doyoung felt relieved. It was like the final step of closure to their relationship. They were no longer anything to each other besides a painful memory. Doyoung could move on and live happily in America. Maybe he could start to let a little looser, hanging out with friends, or perhaps, even going on dates.

It was the beginning of a new semester, another new beginning for Doyoung. And despite having holed himself up in his room for the entirety of winter break, he now felt rejuvenated and excited for the semester ahead. A freeness that he hadn’t felt in years.

Doyoung wasn’t a morning person, but even as he headed to his 9am class, the brisk fresh air whisping around him and the light chirping of birds, made him feel content. 

He opened the door to the class, only 10 minutes before it was to start, but the class was already half full. Doyoung walked in, sitting in the 2nd row from the front, off to the left side slightly. He pulled out his notebook (Doyoung prefered go take handwritten notes as opposed to typing them) and a few pens, and positioned them on the desk in an organized matter.

He looked around while he waited for the professor to come into the class. 

Most of the students in the class looked half dead, not being used to being awake at this time, chugging down coffee and rubbing the sleep from their eyes.

He watched as the door opened, and a male student walked in. He looked to be a little shorter than Doyoung, with a smaller frame as well. He had brown dark brown hair that had grown long enough to cover his eyes, so he had to push it up. 

The boy looked around the class before spying Doyoung and let a slight smirk show on his face. Then the boy, or man really Doyoung thought, walked over towards him.

“Is this seat taken?” The man asked, referencing to the seat to the right of Doyoung.

“No” 

The boy slid out the chair softly and sat down, pulling out his laptop and then leaning back in his chair looking at Doyoung. “My name is Taeyong, by the way.”

Doyoung stuck to his notebook, choosing to write down the date and the class instead of looking at they boy- man, Taeyong his mind corrected. “Good to know.”

He heard a light laugh next to him, before Taeyong leaned in closer to Doyoung. “Now is usually the time where you tell me your name,” Taeyong supplied.

“It’s only the first day of the semester,” Doyoung replied, “I’m gonna make you work harder than that.” Doyoung eyed the boy next to him before turning towards the door when it opened, the professor finally walking in. “Now shush the professor is here.”

He heard a quiet snort besides him, but Taeyong didn’t say anything else.

 

Taeyong found out his name during roll call that first day of class. Then got Doyoung’s phone number the next class, saying it was in case one of them missed a class (however Taeyong never seemed to have a class related reason for texting Doyoung). Two weeks later, Taeyong convinced Doyoung to have lunch with him, and then again after the next class and then again after the next. Then a week later Taeyong asked him out to dinner, and Doyoung said no. Then no again. Then finally, he agreed. 

As much as Doyoung didn’t want to admit it, he found Taeyong incredibly attractive as well as his dedication charming. He could imagine himself falling in love with Taeyong.

After their second date together, Doyoung kissed Taeyong at the bus stop before they parted ways.

-

15 years later

-

Doyoung and Taeyong had married eight years ago. It was a small wedding, full of Taeyong’s kind and welcoming family and their friends. Doyoung’s family did not want to have anything to do with the wedding. 

They had moved back to Korea six years ago, when they were planning to start a family. Taeyongs family was very supportive and treated Doyoung like their own son, so they had helped the two readjust to life in Korea.

Four years ago they adopted a daughter, MinYoung, who was now a loud and rambunctious child. Stubborn like Doyoung but charming like Taeyong, a deadly combo that always got her in trouble, and somehow managed to also get her out of it.

Two years ago they adopted Minwoo. Unlike his sister he was quiet and reserved, but aspects of her had begun to rub off on the two year old. 

After Doyoung and Taeyong had moved back to Korea, Doyoung reconnected with old friends who he had lost contact with in America. Many of them friends he had made in the company. Some had debuted, some had not. None knew why Doyoung left the company so suddenly, and Doyoung never told them. 

He hadn’t reconnected with Jaehyun since returning. Although a part of Doyoung wished to see him again. He did not love Jaehyun anymore, he hadn’t since that day in the cafe. He loved Taeyong and MinYoung and Minwoo. But Jaehyun had been a close friend to Doyoung, the closest person to him in his teenage years. And he missed his friend.

One of the friends from the company he had reconnected with was Mark. Mark was a few years younger than Doyoung, but had been a trainee for a long time under SM, longer than Doyoung. Mark had never debuted.

Mark and Doyoung had grown closer over the past few years, since they reconnected. Taeyong had even grown to like the younger boy, so they would often go out together and have dinner or go drinking. 

Mark had been in a long time relationship with his partner, Donghyuck, stage name Haechan. Donghyuck had debuted in NCT, Jaehyun’s group, all those years ago. They had grown into old men now, NCT mutually decided to disband a few years back, wanting to live normal lives, or as normal lives as they could.

Donghyuck didn’t go out with them often because when he would, fans or news sites would take pictures or approach them, and although Doyoung and Taeyong said they didn’t mind, Donghyuck felt like a burden. 

But they both knew there was another reason as to why Donghyuck wouldn’t go out with them. About a year back pictures of Mark and Donghyuck kissing at a restaurant had reached the media and caused a huge uproar. Fans were furious that their idol was gay and as more news had come out, they discovered how Mark and Donghyuck had pretty much been dating since NCT’s debut. 

It had been a hard time for them, and although they never discussed it, everyone knew Donghyuck’s discomfort being in public now. Not that he was ashamed of being with Mark, he just was traumatized from that experience.

As much as Doyoung didn’t wish to have these thoughts, he would sometimes think about what it would be like if he and Jaehyun were still together, how their lives would have turned out. Would they have debuted together? Maybe gotten married a few years back and had kids. Like him and Taeyong now. They might have gotten caught kissing on one of their dates, like Mark and Donghyuck, and ended up on every news site, and now have to live with those repercussions. 

But Doyoung didn’t like to think about these things. He was happy with Taeyong, more happy with someone than he ever thought he’d be. And he was raising two amazing kids who he loved more than anything in this world. Thinking of Jaehyun did nothing more than leave a feeling of sorrow with Doyoung.

-

Sometimes Donghyuck or Mark would talk about Jaehyun, but not often. No one knows what happened between Jaehyun and Doyoung, for the most part. Of course those close to Doyoung knew they dated at one point, but everyone just figured things fell apart when Doyoung moved to the US. 

But when they speak of Jaehyun, there’s always a sadness to their voices. Donghyuck and Jaehyun still kept in contact, but it seems Jaehyun has become something like a hermit. 

“He’s alone now, just like he’s always been,” Donghyuck said once.

-

It was a warm Saturday day, a slight summer breeze blowing the leaves on the trees and running through Doyoung’s hair. He let out a contented sigh, looking at Taeyong, and then MinYoung and Minwoo between them. They all held hands as they walked down the street, taking up far too much room than they should have. 

They continued their walk through the neighborhood, finally reaching their destination. Doyoung took another deep breath, however this one was a calming breath. 

They were going to Mark’s and Donghyuck’s home for Mark’s birthday, and Donghyuck, of course, had organized the party, nothing large however. Just a small barbecue party.

Doyoung steeled his nerves. He knew there was a chance Jaehyun would be there today. They would be seeing each other for the first time in years, too many years. Doyoung no longer felt anything for him, but there were so many emotions he felt when he was younger that he couldn’t let go of. Jaehyun was his first love after all. 

Taeyong places a hand on Doyoung’s back, rubbing up and down. He and Doyoung had discussed everything about Jaehyun long ago, and Taeyong knew that Doyoung could only love Taeyong now.

The door swung open and Donghyuck pulled Taeyong and Doyoung into a hug. He had a warm smile and welcomed them into his home. He quickly began a conversation with MinYoung, asking her about her dress and who did her hair. Doyoung snorted and shared a glance with Taeyong, both thinking the same thing. Those two really get along far too well.

-

“Daddy can you please get me some more mac and cheese!” Minyoung whined, starting to bounce in her chair.

“Ok ok, I’ll go get it,” Doyoung said, picking up the bowl from in front of her.

Doyoung walked over to the table with all the food, there was a wide assortment of foods, enough to stuff your plate full, but good enough that you’ll want to go back for seconds even if you were full.

“Doyoung?”

Doyoung froze once again. That was a voice he’d never forget. Just like all those years ago at the Starbucks he used to work at, he didn’t even have to look up to know who it was. 

But things were different now. Doyoung no longer loved Jaehyun or wished they would get back together. He’d moved on many many years ago, and was now married with children. The emotions were entirely different than before. Doyoung was glad that things had turned out this way. He was sure he wouldn’t have been this happen with Jaehyun as he was with Taeyong. All that remained was a bittersweet taste in his mouth.

Doyoung took one calming breath, before turning around.

“Oh my god it’s really you,” Jaehyun said. Disbelief clear in his voice. “I can’t believe it.” 

“Jaehyun,” Doyoung mustered out, sounding out of breath. The name feeling foreign on his tongue. “How’ve you been?” 

Doyoung felt uncomfortable. He’d been so heartbroken by this man, wished to never see him ever again. Of course he’d forgiven and forgotten long ago, but everything just felt so surreal. 

“I’ve been better, honestly. But wow,” he paused, gesturing to Doyoung, “ look at you.”

Doyoung shifted on his feet, not wanting to continue this conversation. He let you a light snort, “I know I’ve gotten so old.” He didn’t want to be in this conversation right now. Not when Jaehyun was looking at him like that, not when his husband and kids were sitting at a table not far away. 

Jaehyun let out a soft chuckle, running his hands through his hair. Still as thick as when he was younger. Doyoung could still remember running his hands through the youngers hair. “Ah haven’t we all? We’ve somehow all grown into old men,” he paused. “It feels like we were all just trainees some few years ago.” He looked towards the ground. “You know, I think about those times a lot. Now that I’m older and a failed celebrity,” he laughed, “ I really wonder whether it was all worth it. Some things seemed so important at that time, but now I think I may have made the wrong choice.” 

Jaehyun looked up at Doyoung now. Eyes so full of sadness, a deep crease set between his brows. It looked like Jaehyun did that a lot now, a permanent line had formed in the spot. 

“Look, Jaehyun-“

“I know, I know. I know everything that happened with us is in the past, has long been in the past and should probably remain there. But I can’t help but wonder how things would have turned out if you hadn’t gone to the US, or if I had followed you there, or even just acknowledged you in that cafe all those years ago. I think about that time a lot specifically. The odds that I would’ve seen you the first time I went to the US as an idol, that Starbucks, on that small corner. I really feel like it was fate trying to pull us back together. And now we meet here-“

“Daddy!” Doyoung felt MinYoung grab his leg from behind, running over from the table. “What’s taking so long?” She whined. “I want my mac and cheese!”

Doyoung reaches behind him placing his hand on her head, and smoothed out her hair. “Sorry sweetly, Daddy was just talking to an old friend. Can you say hi to Mr. Jaehyun,” he said. He kneeled down next to her, pointing up to Jaehyun. 

Jaehyun just stared. 

“Hi Mister. How do you know my dad,” MinYoung questioned. Jaehyun stood frozen for a few seconds, before blinking quickly.

“Ah, we knew each other when we were teenagers,” he paused, looking at Doyoung. “She’s yours?” He asked. 

“Yeah.” He said standing up.

“Hey babe, sorry I tried to tell her to be patient but she ran off to find you. Gosh that one really has a mind of her own.” Taeyong walked up, kissing Doyoung on the cheek. He was carrying Minwoo in his arms. “What’s taking so long?”

“Oh Taeyong, this is Jaehyun,” he looked towards Jaehyun. “Jaehyun, this is my husband, Taeyong.”

“It’s nice to finally meet you.” Taeyong said with a soft smile on his lips. Jaehyun only nodded.

“And this is my daughter, MinYoung, who you met, and my son, Minwoo.” MinYoung waved animatedly while Minwoo waved shyly, before hiding his face in Taeyong’s neck.

Jaehyun looked at all of them, moving his gaze quietly until saying, “What a lovely family you have, Doyoung.” 

“Thank you,” Doyoung smile softly. 

“Well I, uh, better get going,” Jaehyun said, stuttering slightly.

“Well, alright. It was nice seeing you,” Doyoung said, and he meant it.

“You too.” Jaehyun turned around quickly and started walking, before turning back around. “It was nice meeting you Taeyong, and your children as well. I’m happy for the two of you.” He smiled one more time, his eyes landing on each of them, before lastly he looked at Doyoung. A smile displayed on his face, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. Then he turned around and walked away.

Jaehyun let out a soft sigh, muttering to himself, “Ah, I guess it really wasn’t meant to be.”

-

Jaehyun had been excited to come to LA, he’d never been before and was excited to spend the time with his members. He knew it’d be a trip he’d remember forever. However he thought it’d be for a very different reason.

He remembers the initial hesitance he felt when he was told they’d be traveling to LA. He was in LA, and Jaehyun wasn’t sure if he’d be able to control himself, being in the same city. The younger hadn’t stopped thinking about him, Doyoung, in the three years they’d been apart. He still loved him deeply, more than he loved anyone else in this world. But he also knew they could never be together, not with Doyoung’s family and not with Jaehyun’s career. 

But Jaehyun thought it over. He had no way of contacting Doyoung, he had no idea if he was even still in LA. And it was a large city. The odds that they would see each other where so slim that it felt silly even worrying about it. 

And, in reality, Jaehyun had no choice. He was going whether he wanted to or not. 

They’d been in an area of town, close to some university when they decided to get coffee. It was strange looking at this American university. It made Jaehyun think of Doyoung, because he would be in university now wouldn’t he? Jaehyun thought. And Jaehyun could be there with him, if he’d been brave enough to follow Doyoung to the US. But Jaehyun was not brave, he was a coward, too afraid to risk so much.

He opened the door to the Starbucks, letting his members and their managers walk in first. Jaehyun was able to speak English, and therefore he was in charge of ordering. He looked up at the menu and began translating for his members, and listening to everyone’s orders so he could relay them to the worker. 

They were recording everything on a small camera on a selfie stick, for a video that would later go up on their YouTube channel, documenting their journeys in LA.

Jaehyun looked over, towards the register, getting ready to relay the orders to them. Before his breath caught in his throat. He stopped in his tracks.

“Hyung? Hyung are you ok?” He heard from beside him.

Jaehyun remembered himself, coming back to reality. The reality that he had really run into his love in this Starbucks, that he was with his idol group, being filmed and monitored by his manager. 

He knocked himself out of his daze, acting like nothing was the matter. “Ah I’m fine don’t worry.”

He looked different now, his hair a light brown, he’d gotten taller, gained some weight, and had a slight tan. He looked good, healthier than he ever had back in Korea when Jaehyun knew him. Maybe it was better that Doyoung had come here. He looked more free.

A constant battle was going on inside Jaehyun. He wanted to yell out to Doyoung to let him know he still loved him, that he wanted to still be with him. He wanted to ask him to wait for him, just a little longer and they would finally be able to get together again. Jaehyun felt like this was fate, and he knew Doyoung had to agree. ‘Seriously, what are the odds of meeting him like this’ Jaehyun thought. 

And then the other side of him, the more rational side, reminded him that he was an idol. Image was everything and he could not date, especially date another man. He would be kicked out of his group and company. He would lose his career that he had worked all these years for. Especially when his group was now finally gaining popularity. 

So in reality, there wasn’t really an option. He couldn’t be with Doyoung, not now at least. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He steeled his emotions, before ordering. He could not give away his emotions, but he couldn’t look at Doyoung as if he didn’t still love him, so instead he kept his focus on the menu.

Part of him hoped Doyoung would say something, he could tell that he recognized him, but he never did. Instead Jaehyun watched as the light left his eyes and his voice began to quiver. Jaehyun would not be able to keep up his act for much longer. 

As Jaehyun and his group members walked over to the other side of the store to wait for their drinks, Jaehyun looked back towards Doyoung. His back was facing him now, and Jaehyun felt like yelling out. Telling him to turn around, at the very least let Jaehyun see his face after so many years. 

He watched as Doyoung’s shoulders raised slightly, then lowered back down, before he turned around. Doyoung kept his eyes off Jaehyun, however the younger could not seem to pull his away. 

Their drinks were called and they began to walk toward the door ready to leave. Jaehyun was at the back of the group, wading behind a little. Right before exiting he looked back at Doyoung.

‘Please look at me. Please just one more time.’

Doyoung seemed to hear Jaehyun’s internal pleads and finally met his gaze. Jaehyun tried to put everything he wanted to say to Doyoung into his stare.  
All the things he wanted to tell Doyoung, that he wouldn’t be able to.

“I’m sorry.” “I still love you so much.” 

“If we’re really meant to be together, we’ll meet again in the future.”


End file.
